To The Last Drop Of Blood

Image Credit: Andrej Anei [1]

   A sermon preached by Pastor John Neufeld at Willingdon Church two weeks ago has given me much to think about since I poured out some of my internal conflict and consternation in my last post. At the time, I was really wanting a new day [2] and a fresh start on a new chapter of life, after what seems to have been a rather trying year that has left me feeling rather drained.

   So it was, while trying to pick myself up off the ground and find the internal drive to get moving again, that the words of "What Real Life Looks Like" [3] spoke to me at a much needed moment, as Pastor John explored the following passage of the book of Philippians:

"..and in this I rejoice, yes, and will rejoice. For I know that this will turn out for my deliverance through your prayer and the supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, according to my earnest expectation and hope that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain. But if I live on in the flesh, this will mean fruit from my labour; yet what I shall choose I cannot tell. For I am hard-pressed between the two, having a desire to depart and be with Christ, which is far better. Nevertheless to remain in the flesh is more needful for you. And being confident of this, I know that I shall remain and continue with you for all your progress and joy of faith, that your rejoicing for me may be more abundant in Jesus Christ by my coming to you again."

- Philippians 1:18-26, NKJV

   What do you desire more than anything else? What are the things you passionately look to have? What do you think is the example of a successful human being? What does success look like? And what are the things in your life that you would sacrifice, and what are the things that under no circumstances would you ever sacrifice if you had that chance? These were some of the opening questions of the sermon that gave me cause to pause and reflect. They brought back memories of my own convictions that I have come to over the years on these matters, and words that I have in effect written to myself to this effect on this blog as reminders. I took a good, hard look at a Mission Statement sitting on my desk that I had written out for myself seven years ago, a fresh graduate at the end of my undergraduate program in Engineering. The words and convictions are still the same, yet the man behind them has changed, grown, undergone metamorphosis, chrysalis...

So what answer do I have for those questions, with where I find myself?

    An answer to those questions emerged as Pastor John worked his way through his sermon. 

   Thinking about the situation in which I've found myself over the last two months - out of a job and looking for work, I find that I can intellectually assent to the statement that "hardships are opportunities", but struggling to find out what that looks like in my situation on the ground or how to get to where I'm supposed to go. To tell the truth, sometimes I've just felt dead on the inside in the midst of the chaos and uncertainty of this current episode, trying my best to keep things from falling apart, get back up and barely hanging on in the process. Planted between my situation and opportunity stand the determined foes of my own self, with whom I must do battle: my inertia, lethargy, apathy, dejection, despair, resignation.  

The foe is not out there, he is in here - in my mind and heart.

   If this, as Pastor John explained, is "what real life looks like", I don't stand a chance of making it through on my own. If anything, that should be the lesson that I should learn from this episode, if not from those of the last several years - that the resources are not in me to make it through. I really need help.

 

   It was the reminder of Jesus that brought things into focus for me. After all, who else has been the core subject of all that I have written and thought about? Who else has been the companion of this fool in search of Wisdom? It is really He that has been the cause of every post that I have written, and Him that I have thought about as I conclude every one of them. All of this has been written for and about Him. All that has motivated and driven me to do anything worthwhile has been my love for Christ, and Christ alone.

"But none of these things move me; nor do I count my life dear to myself, so that I may finish my race with joy, and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God."

- Acts 20:24, NKJV

   That sentence, from the mouth of the Apostle Paul, is the answer of the Word of God that I latched on to. It brings into perspective everything that has happened to me - everything I have written to myself; every conviction that I have held; every resolution and promise that I have made; every up and down; every setback; every hardship; every heartbreak; every loss and gain; every abandonment and rejection; every failure and disappointment; every sorrow and anguish. None of these things must move me, because they are not the end goal. They do not matter if the sole purpose of my life is not to preserve it, but to lose it.

   This, I think, is the reminder that will help me get back up and keep moving forward - "nor do I count my life dear to myself, so that I may finish my race with joy." My life is not precious to me, to be held on to tightly and kept comfortable. I will pour it out for the sake of Christ and others, till the last drop of blood is gone, and there is nothing left to give anymore. This is my purpose. And when that has been done, I will have reached my finish line and I will go to the home that awaits me [4] in the Land of the Living [5].

   The greatest obstacle of my life is my self; the greatest purpose - to pour everything out for Christ, till the last drop of my life and blood is gone; the greatest gain - to go home to Him.

    It's been a struggle to find the right words to write this, but I feel better now. I think a words of a hymn that is also my prayer are appropriate to conclude this post:

O Thou, who camest from above,
The pure celestial fire to impart
Kindle a flame of sacred love
On the mean altar of my heart!

There let it for Thy glory burn,
With inextinguishable blaze
And trembling to its source return,
In humble prayer, and fervent praise

Jesus, confirm my heart's desire,
To work and speak, and think for Thee
Still let me guard the holy fire,
And still stir up Thy gift in me

Ready for all Thy perfect will,
My acts of faith, and love repeat
Till death Thy endless mercy seal,
And make my sacrifice complete

- Charles Wesley

    These were the words with which I began last year. I'm glad I was reminded of them as this year begins to draw to a close. Everything, till the last drop of blood is gone.

- The Wisdom Seeker

REFERENCES:

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[1]  Blood Drop

[2] "Can I Have A New Day?"

[3] "What Real Life Looks Like", John Neufeld, October 21st at Willingdon Church
[4] Where Is Home?

[5] From the Land of the Dying to the Land of the Living

The Road Ahead: Thoughts On The Future

     In my last post, "Looking Back At The Road To Here", I reflected on the events of the decade of my life that had come to an end. As much as I've found it important to remember and reflect, I also finding myself increasingly occupied with thoughts of the future.

    There is no doubt that life is changing on many different fronts, and in a way that sometimes leaves me feeling in possession of more questions than answers. Six months after having landed a job after graduate school, standing on my own financially and juggling new and growing responsibilities that must be attended to, I find myself thinking about the road I have set out on and the entailments of this stage. Once again, the words of Frodo Baggins in my favourite novel and movie, The Lord of The Rings come back to me:

"Remember what Bilbo used to say: "It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to."

- Frodo Baggins, The Lord of The Rings: The Fellowship of The Ring

    Where will this road sweep me off to? Will I be able to handle the challenges that lie ahead? There is much that I feel inadequate about and unprepared for. This only exacerbates my tendency to feel as if I must become a hard-charging, achievement-oriented perfectionist, perfectly knowledgeable and capable of assuming complete mastery of whatever situation I find myself in. I'm confronted with the fact of how little I know about how the real world and things in life work, and I'm sure there are plenty of other young adults who find themselves in a similar state of affairs. As much as I believe in being optimistic about the future, I also believe that such an outlook will not be possible without a realistic assessment of where I find myself now.

    Although in primary school I was taught addition, subtraction, multiplication and division using money as an application and the idea of simple compound interest, I've realized how little I know about where money actually comes from and how to properly handle it. Witnessing the sequence of seemingly never-ending financial shennanigans in this country, our neigbour to the south and elsewhere on the globe over the last few years has ony made me more wary and distrusting of those who work in the financial sector. Can I do what it takes to navigate the pitfalls that might lead to a costly financial blunder and bring both myself and others to ruin?

    Speaking of "others", as I think of those both now and in future who will depend on me, I find myself contemplating my roles in work, ministry, relationship, marriage, family and all the challenges that accompany them. It gives me great concern as I survey the state of the culture and world that I live in, and its aspirations for the future, particularly the increasing intellectual hostility towards the Christian faith. As hard and hostile as it may seem now, I occasionally find myself wondering how I will guard and guide any children I might have in future through the cacophony of confusing voices and worldviews that will clamor for their attention in future. I have little doubt that the mental, spiritual and emotional stamina required will be tremendous. Will I buckle under pressure and crumble, or will I make it through?

    Among all these and many other concerns, there is also much joy and happiness that I find in what God is doing in my life, as I take steps to share my faith in the person with Christ with those around me. There is so much I want to do before He calls me to go home to be with Him. It is increasingly becoming my overwhelming desire that God would use me to make an impression for him in this city that I have lived in for the last five years. Of late, I have begun pondering the question as to what lengths I would go and hardship I would face for this city to know of the name and glory of God, and the saving power of the cross of Jesus Christ. As much as I struggle with concerns over the kind of person that I am or want to be, I also find and increasing an overwhelming passion that arises in my heart "out of love for the truth and from desire to elucidate it", as expressed in the famous words of Martin Luther.
   
    But even as I write this, it occurs to me that whatever concerns I might have and write about, the fundamental question that really confronts my heart is one of faith - in the goodness, wisdom and sovreignty of God. Ultimately, I must accept that while it is wise and prudent to think and plan ahead, whatever "preparation" I attempt to do in anticipation of the challenges of the future are perfunctory at best. There really is so very little of life that I (or any of us for that matter) have control over. I was reminded of this as I read the following verses in the book of Jeremiah this morning on the way to the 10 AM service at Willingdon:

    "Thus says the Lord:
    Cursed is the man who trusts in man
    and makes flesh his strength,
    whose heart turns away from the Lord.
    He is like a shrub in the desert
    and shall not see any good to come.
    He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness,
    in the uninhabited salt land.

    Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
    whose trust is the Lord.
    He is like a tree planted by water,
    that sends out its roots by the stream,
    and does not fear when heat comes,
    for its leaves remain green,
    and is not anxious in the year of drought,
    for it does not cease to bear fruit." (Jeremiah 17:5-8, ESV)

    May God plant and establish me as such a tree, as I set out on the road into the next decade. I pray this in Christ's name.

- The Wisdom Seeker

Looking Back On The Road To Here

    Reflecting on the thoughts of my last post of the closing of the second decade of my life, I thought I'd take time to look back on the time gone by, and take time to look ahead. Jamie was mentioning yesterday that one of her professors had made a statement about how we apparently perceive time as we grow older - that events and days only seem to accelerate. Even so, it's hard to believe 10 years have gone by so fast. With whatever time of life I have left, I wonder if the coming decade will seem to pass even faster than the last.

    It seemed not too long ago that I was in my first year of my undergraduate degree, floundering in life on all fronts - academically, mentally, physically, socially, emotionally, spiritually. After working to my utmost in my final years of high school to get admission into a good undergraduate university in engineering, it seemed that life was falling into place as I started out at one of the top 10 universities in the US. But within months, life began to unravel and fall apart at a pace that I seemed helpless to stop. My sense of discipline and purpose seemed to evaporate, and my health collapsed. It culminated in a spectacular loss as all the whatever I had seemed to achieve in academic progress crumbled to dust, leaving me hanging by the proverbial thread and with little hope for the future. I found myself lost and in crisis on almost every personal front - mentally, emotionally, spiritually, identity, suddenly unsure of what I wanted to do in life and what to do to put things together.

    But as it so often happens in moments of personal devastation, God was architecting events even as I roamed aimlessly in the midst of the rubble that my life had become. The next five years of the decade I have just left behind would become pivotal, as God orchestrated powerfully transforming and paradigm shifting change in my life, on a journey that spanned seven cities in three countries on two continents. It would be an understatement to say that I became a different person; emerging from an undergraduate degree in engineering in India, I still remember the comment of a relative who remarked that it seemed that both I and my life had been turned 180 degrees from what they used to be.

    The last five years have been a similarly wonderful journey, though in a different sense. Hopping back to the North American Continent and traversing two cities in the pursuit of a Master's degree in Engineering, it became a period marked by intellectual struggle for both faith and truth. I did not expect graduate school to grind me that way, but it was a good thing. Wading through the ideologies that struggle for dominance of the minds that attend a typical secular North American university campus was hard. It was often that I found myself struggling to explain either to myself or someone else, why the Christ and my Christian faith that I had taken to heart so easily since childhood was intellectually viable and defensible. Deism, Theism, Pantheism, Atheism, Agnosticism, Mysticism, Humanism, Politicism, Secularism....I have lost count of the conversations I've had on campus during my time at SFU with proponents of one (and sometimes more) of those worldviews. Some conversations have been wonderful and cheerful, others bland and superficial and yet others hostile and depressing. I found myself in turmoil as I tried to find a basis for thought amidst what seemed like intellectual quicksand - fearful, angry and confused as I came away from conversations that seemed on the verge of destroying both my faith and assumptions; happy at those that brought me reassurance and comfort; frustrated at those that seemed to be stuck at a mental impasse; inadequate after being unable to answer a question or challenge coherently or satisfactorily; restless after those that seemed to insert nagging doubts into my head about life and faith, and many more. Sometimes, I still come away feeling unnerved, but it only drives my determination to find truth and certainty.

    But even during my time in graduate school, I see how God has been orchestrating events with a purpose of slow, deliberate growth and maturity through a steady and ceaseless intellectual hammering. Questions of life, faith, truth, love, doctrine, theology, worldview, family, relationship, money, politics, autonomy, origin, meaning, morality, destiny - wading through the quagmire of questions that surround these was (and still is) very, very hard. I don't for a moment dare to claim that I have perfect, infallible understanding or answers to these questions that have plagued humanity during all our time here. But I do claim that I have met and am increasingly coming to know the Christ who does. 

    I need no convincing that the words of the hymn that came out of James Russell Lowell's original poem "Once To Every Man And Nation", might possibly be true: 

"Though the cause of evil prosper, yet the truth alone is strong;
 Though her portion be the scaffold, and upon the throne be wrong;
 Yet that scaffold sways the future, and behind the dim unknown,
 Standeth God within the shadow, keeping watch above His own."

    Whatever happens from here on out, may I not forget this fact - God is there, in the shadows, purposefully watching and waiting. He has not, does not and will never leave my life to chance. I pray that you come to this realization too. See you in the next post as I think about the road ahead.

- The Wisdom Seeker

REFERENCES

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[1] Once To Every Man And Nation (Hymn)

[2] Once To Every Man And Nation (Original)

The Last Week Of A Decade

     This last week of July is quite significant for me - at the end of the month is my birthday. If by the grace and will of God I'm still alive by then, I will have come to the close of a major decade of my life and embark on the chapter that marks the beginning of the next. There were so many thoughts going through my mind as I wrote this during my lunch break, sitting by the trail and river that runs near my place of work. I've been coming here almost every other day or so over the last month, to find quiet time during the day to look back at the last 10 years, and think ahead to the future.

    A decade! Ten years seem to have gone by at high speed, even as the memories of 20 seem to be so fresh and vivid. So much has happened in this time that I will have to keep for a later post of reflecting on the years gone past. So much is yet to come, and I shall similarly keep my thoughts of the future for another post about my hopes as well as my concerns. But that is not what I wish to focus on now.

    I don't know what it's like to turn 30; I suppose I will find out in a few days, or possibly in the weeks to come. But I am experiencing what it is like to approach the final days of my 29th year. A change is definitely coming over me, having begun towards the middle of January this year and slowly but relentlessly picking up pace. There is a quiet seriousness, a feeling of gravity as I find myself contemplating the issues of life. There is also a slow but gathering sense of sure purpose, as I find myself increasingly moving in a direction in which I feel that I am being called by God for a burden that He wishes to entrust me with. Even as these continue to grow, I also find a silent commitment and determination that builds alongside them, both to the worldview and convictions that I currently hold and to become the man that God would wish to shape me into. And in the midst of this transition, there is both hope and happiness in the growing communion and closeness with the God who has known me before my existence and I am coming to know in return.

    I'm also endeavouring to fast and pray this last week, seeking God's wisdom and direction of what He would have me  do. I am in dire need of God's grace and mercy as this next stage begins. With all that is happening around me, life only seems to be accelerating in pace, not slowing down. And I am sure that the challenges that I will face will only become harder, not easier. I would be lying if I claimed that these things do not cause me some degree of anxiety or worry; the truth is that I often find myself wondering about the road ahead and what my legacy will be, both towards my God and those around me.
    
    But I must remind myself that 'tis not to the past that a child of God is called, but to the future; not to doubt, but faith and trust; not to weakness, but strength; not to cowardice, but courage; not to enslavement, but freedom; not to defeat, but victory; not to immaturity, but maturity; not to backsliding, but growth; not to ignorance, but knowledge; not to foolishness, but wisdom; not to damnation, but to salvation; not to debauchery, but to sanctification; not the downward call to Hell, but the upward call to Heaven in Christ; not to shame, but to glory.

    As much as I write these words from my heart, I know that I am more in need of reminding and encouragement than any who would read them. If there are others who come across this who are going through a similar time of transition and change in their life, I would be most interested in hearing what you have to say.

    See you in the next post.

- The Wisdom Seeker

I'd Rather Be Shot

    The last three days have been really intense after getting to Victoria, with intense 8 AM to 5 PM sessions at the company where I'm doing a work-related training course. It's been really tiring; I haven't had much time to study after getting back to my hotel room, let alone explore the city. Massive amounts of snowfall and sub-zero temperatures in the last 24 hours pretty much reduced the prospect of sight-seeing expeditions to zero. So I thought I'd use this time to post some thoughts over the last few weeks that I tried to organize in my head on the ferry ride to Vancouver Island from Tsawwassen. I thought I'd use this time away from Vancouver to look back, reflect and evaluate.

    With everything that had happened in January, especially the death of my friend Yeswanth (see "Death Came Calling...And Took My Friend") and getting hired after 6 months of hard job-hunting, I've been doing a lot of thinking and planning regarding what I want to do. Life is picking up speed as a lot of things are suddenly coming together, and it's exciting! There have been plans that I've had to change, redefine, abandon, realize weren't what I wanted to do, or just became unfeasible. In the process, there have been new dreams and aspirations that God has introduced or replaced the old ones with. As circumstances come together for take-off, He is now providing the capability to accomplish things that I've had on my heart for the last few years, and I've been so happy as I've been able to get started on some of them.

    God has been incredibly kind and gracious in granting me a job that I love, with people that I like working with, in a company that I like working for, so that I can stay and serve a city that I have come to care deeply for, with a church that I love immensely. As He has done innumerable times before, God has proven once again that the biggest dreams we concoct for ourselves are dwarfed by His smallest dreams for us. And His smallest dreams are immense indeed, next to the paltry and feeble concoctions of men. So I suppose the question I've been trying to work through really boils down to this:

What am I going to do with God's dreams for me?

    I wrote a bit about some of the realizations I had come to earlier last month, in "From the Land of The Dying to the Land of The Living" and "I Wish None Of This Had Happened." Over the last couple of weeks, I've been thinking over something that my friend Sam said one evening. "If my life ever becomes about a big house and driving a Denali," he said, "I want you guys to shoot me." (I should hasten at this point to add that neither of us have anything against people who own big houses or drive Denalis). Although not quite the way I'd express it, that sentence neatly summarizes the posture of my mind and heart. If the main thing in life is to keep the main thing the main thing, then my main thing must not be forgotten. With all the opportunity for growth and service that is being put into my hands, there is also being provided the capability to carry them out. And I don't want to squander either of them. The movie "Spiderman" eloquently expressed Sam's sentiment in words that have now become famous: "With great power comes great responsibility."

    With all that God has been doing in my life - personally, publicly, on this blog and otherwise, I have a much clearer idea of what I can and want to do, both in Vancouver and elsewhere. I have been increasingly coming to this conclusion over the last couple of months - that I will do everything I can with everything I have for the sake of this city, to the glory of the God of this city and the King of these people; to give Vancouver hope in the midst of darkness, and as beautiful as their surroundings may be, show them the only real source of life in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

    There are so many things I want to do. And they will all get done because He who empowers me will keep my heart beating until my time is up and I've done what He sent me for. And my time will be up very soon. As I once used to say, everything will have a happy ending :)

    If Sam and I ever end up as one of the "walking dead" with the kind of shallow lives that terrify us, you know where to find us and how to put us out of our misery. I'd prefer to be shot alongside him. It's been a long day, time to get to bed and head out for another day of intense training tomorrow. I'm looking forward to going back to Vancouver. See you in the next post!

- The Wisdom Seeker