It's 2 AM and I can't sleep (again). This time, it's definitely not because I had too much strong tea before bedtime. A few hours after a Flux CM Leadership small group where we talked about worry and anxiety, I find myself deluged by the same stuff we'd vigorously discussed. Pacing my room as Tolkien scurries around the floor in oblivious and happy exploration before I put her back in her cage, I'm consumed with all manner of thoughts that seem to have erupted out of nowhere.
Where are things headed? Will I do anything significant for God with my life? There's so much I want to pour my life into before He calls me home. Have I been a faithful son with what was entrusted to me? I'm terrified of being "the son that causes shame", that Proverbs talks about. Have I been wise in my affairs? How am I going to accomplish the dreams and calling that I feel propelled to? What if I fail and it all takes a huge nosedive? What if everything sits on the runway and never takes off? Is God happy with me? Have I disappointed Him? Why do things in life seem to be moving so slowly or at a standstill right now? I wish I could get more done, and be more effective. I wish my mind would work faster and I could learn and do more. I wish...Is God listening to this? Where are you, God? No, can't think like that. I know You're there. Can you say something?
After all that furious thinking and feeling like my feet have been firmly planted in mid-air with no conclusion in sight, I do what I should have done much earlier. I open my Bible and start reading. Why is it that I have this tendency to open it as the last resort after going through a mental gymnastics session? "Good grief, man" I find myself thinking. "This is becoming ridiculous. We just talked about all this stuff at small group. Get yourself in line." And as my eyes fall on the words of Psalm 90, some answers slowly emerge and I'm jotting them down here.
"Lord you have been our dwelling place in all generations. Before the mountains were brought forth...from everlasting to everlasting you are God...For a thousand years in your sight are but as yesterday when it is past, or as a watch in the night." (Ps. 90:1-2, 4, ESV)
The transient nature of my finite existence only attains meaning in the reality of God's self existence.
The search for my origins is pointless without a place to return to, a place to call 'home'. Without my home that I find with the person of God, it leads me to a void - where I must jump into pitch black on the other side of death, and commit my soul to the great 'Perhaps?'
"You have set our iniquities before you; our secret sins in the light of Your presence." (Ps. 90:8 ESV)
Any attempt to make sense of my own depravity through the construction of a moral framework will ultimately have to be done in pitch darkness without the light afforded by God's presence. It is only in the light of who He is that I can even see the mirror that shows me who I am. Without this, the "isms and schisms" that mankind constructs to hold our fragile societies together are as hollow as ourselves.
"For all our days pass away under Your wrath. we bring our years to and end like a sigh. The years of our life are seventy, or even by reason of strength eighty; yet their span is but toil and trouble; they are soon gone, and we fly away....So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom." (Ps. 90:8 ESV)
Contrary to all secular human logic, the search for wisdom for now and forever is fruitful only when I am cognizant of my fleeting life in the presence of an everlasting God.
"Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days." (Ps. 90:14 ESV)
His 'hesed' is all I need to find my peace and satisfaction every morning.
And with that, I'm happy again and find the peace that passes all understanding. Tolkien scurries under my chair, brushing by my foot and stopping to look up at me on her way to explore the area under my study table. Time to put her back in her cage. I can go to sleep now. Good night.
- The Wisdom Seeker
