Haunted By My Grandfather's Voice

My paternal grandparents,
P. M. Thomas and Susan Thomas

   Something happened to me yesterday that has left me rather shaken and unnerved. While driving to work yesterday morning, I heard in my mind the voice of my long dead paternal grandfather (the man in the photo on the right), singing to me. 

   I have no explanation for why he suddenly came to mind; it's been more than a year since I last thought of him. On the occasions that I have thought of him, I have done so with admiration and affection for his strong, uncompromising Christian character and life that he led by example, which I wish I could emulate. My memories of him have become somewhat hazy of late. But there was no mistaking that voice. And there was no mistaking that song; it was a liturgical hymn that I had often heard him and my grandmother sing during church and family prayer times when he was alive. I don't know the words of that hymn, just it's melody. But there was no mistaking that either.

   I remember pulling over to the side of the road in shock and sitting in a daze for a few minutes while his voice in my head went on, singing that hymn. And then something in me began to swell up and emerge that I have not experienced before. A powerful flood of my memories of him, and more importantly the little Mar Thoma parish [1] in India that he used to go to began to return, clear and sharp like a camera lens focusing on an object. With them came a deep, intense longing that I still cannot put words to. Without understanding why, I began to sing that hymn the best I could, put my head against the steering wheel and started to cry. It took a few minutes before I could pull myself together and finish the drive to the two project sites where I worked by myself for the rest of the day.

   But his memories, voice and hymn in my head did not go away, even while I was at work and all the way to small group later. If anything, they have become stronger and followed me over the last two days. And with them, the strange stirring in my heart that I still cannot put words to.

   P. M. Thomas was the grandfather ("appachen" in our native tongue, Malayalam) that I saw and personally connected with the least, but probably the man who has left the biggest impression on my father's family in terms of his life and legacy. I remember Appachen to be a devout and pious man of few words, but uncompromising in his character and conduct. Though living a modest life with a meager salary, he raised a strong, God-fearing family through whom his legacy lives today. A man of prayer, he had a rule in his house for family prayer to be held at 6 AM and 6 PM, which were kept without fail. He was also a man who spent time immersed in his Bible everyday; one of my best and most powerful memories of him is in his 70's, old and greyed with a pacemaker in his heart and cataract in his eyes, yet attempting to read his Bible with a magnifying glass. I think that image made an impression that remains to this day, and spurs me on too to immerse myself in the Word of God.

Sharon Mar Thoma Parish

   But those weren't the specific memories of Appachen that have been following me since yesterday. It was trotting behind him as a little child, trying to keep up with his quick pace, to his little parish church every Sunday, when my family and I vacationed in India every other summer. It was memories of standing and kneeling beside him in the wooden pews, listening to him sing the songs of the liturgical service, sung by the priests with the congregation responding with singing at the appropriate points. It was the solemn, yet deeply meaningful and reverential atmosphere in that old church as the hymn and prayer books were opened, men in their Sunday white, women with their heads covered and the priests in their vestments, like those in the photo on the right at my niece's baptism. It was my grandfather ushering me to the front when it happened to be my birthday, to kneel at the steps in front of the altar with other children as the priest laid his hands on our heads and pronounced the blessing on us. It was watching Appachen go up to the front to receive the communion bread and wine from the priest, as the priest put the bread in his mouth and let him sip from the chalice that contained the communion wine. And most of all, it was the sound of Appachen's voice, singing the hymns and prayers during the service and again at family prayer times, with that particular tone and pitch that made his voice immediately recognizable to my childhood ears, the same voice that I heard singing to me yesterday.

   My heart has suddenly been filled with a longing to see my grandfather again;  to hear him sing those old hymns again; to visit his little parish; to once again hear and participate in that traditional liturgy which I watched him partake of; to hear those deeply moving, yet solemn and reverential hymns and traditional worship that I watched standing by his side as a child; to re-visit and explore my spiritual history, heritage and that ancient church from which my family has come; to visit his grave at the cemetery where he is buried with my grandmother, but more so to live his example and legacy. I want to live a strong and upright Christian life like he did, to one day lead a family like he did, to one day leave a legacy like he did.

   My grandfather's voice is still singing that hymn in my head. My heart is still stirring with memories, and I'm still crying. Something is happening to me, Jesus. But what is it?

- The Wisdom Seeker

REFERENCES:
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[1] Salem Mar Thoma Church, Ernakulam

His and Hers: Biblical Manhood and Womanhood

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them." - Genesis 1:27-28, ESV

     Last weekend was comprised of a really interesting series of events. One of them was an event held by "Entry Level", the young adults group at Willingdon Church that I'm part of, and lead a small group for with my good friend Esther. Last Friday evening, Entry Level held a "Biblical Manhood and Womanhood Night" geared towards young adults who were single, dating or married and wanting to think through the Biblical roles of manhood and womanhood.

     One particular aspect that this event covered was developing a Biblical paradigm relating to the opposite sex in many streams of life, as opposed to those promoted by the culture around young Christians that continually presents ideas that run contrary to Scripture.

     Taking the stage for this event were Cliff and Erin Ursel! Cliff is one of the pastors at Willingdon overseeing the young adults ministry, and his wife Erin helps lead worship during services and is quite involved in the women's ministry. I first met Cliff and Erin long before I ever came to Willingdon, through Erin's parents who were my next door neighbours when I first moved to Vancouver almost six years ago. Cliff and Erin both gave a talk about their gender as man and woman, and how it defines their roles in many aspects of life - in marriage, family, work, friendships and many other spheres.

     This event was something I really wanted to record, so I took my little Cisco Flip along and recorded the main talk in HD! I wanted to record the Q&A session but was unable to due to lack of space and time. Ladies and Gentlemen, Ruminations of The Sage happily presents for your viewing pleasure, instruction and edification - "Biblical Manhood and Womanhood":

     This talk gave me a lot to think about, especially as I have had questions in this area and am prayerfully seeking God's direction in my vision to be married one day to a woman who would happily and enthusiastically be willing to help me serve God in the call that He has on my life. I will be writing about this in the posts to come, as many of the thoughts that I have been wrestling with over the last few months come together. See you in the next post, in search of wisdom!

- The Wisdom Seeker

Wanted: Courage To Be Courageous

A poster for the movie "Courageous", from Sherwood Pictures

"I will not leave you nor forsake you...only be strong and very courageous...Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." - Joshua 1:9, NKJV

     It's the end of another Monday, and it'll be bedtime soon. I'm beginning to feel sleepy, but I want to write this post before I go to bed. It's been more than a month since I updated this blog, and it hasn't been for lack of things to think and write about. I think it's been a combination of indiscipline and lack of prioritization on my part, while being swamped by the busyness of everyday life. But it feels good to tap away at the keys again, and pour my thoughts out into writing. I think a definite sense of restlessness would pervade my life without my writing; it gives a sense of purpose, passion and above all, pleasure as I've been taking the effort to blog on a regular basis since I began taking it seriously.

     Although there are a number of things I've been wanting to write about (and which I will hopefully get around to in the next few days), this post is about the tremendous impact of the movie "Courageous", which I saw for the first time about two weeks ago after its release on DVD and Blu-ray. It had been in theaters last year when I went to visit my parents in Toronto, and caught my attention because it was made by the same people who created the movie "Fireproof" some years ago. I have now watched it twice at home, and I think I will be watching it a few more times in the weeks or months to come.

     "Courageous" was and still is deeply convicting on many, many levels. It has strengthened my desire to be a man after God's own heart, a man of integrity and purpose, possessing the nobility of conduct that stems from a nobility of character. It has driven home the seriousness of the call and responsibility that God places upon a man to lead, first himself and then others in the roles that he is given as a follower and servant of Christ, husband, father, friend, employee and many others. It has given me clarity and inspiration in my vision of the kind of man that I want to be, the kind of strong marriage that I must actively seek in order to build a God-honouring home and the kind of husband and father that I must become to leave a legacy of faith to the generations to come. Though I have conceptually understood this in my mind so far, I am now coming to better understand why this is important, after having seen it visually narrated in a powerful and compelling story that illustrates the lives of those men that obey and take up the call to courageously lead their lives, marriages, families and professions, and those that abandon and squander the opportunity to make an impact for God in the most important mission that they will ever be given.

     I have been contemplating this movie's message for over a week now, and increasingly so after watching it the second time. God is using it to burn the flame of passion that He has lit in my heart for His truth, gospel and glory and  tremendously shape my decisions and resolve. I'd like to share the music video of a song which is featured on the soundtrack of this movie, and shares its name. This is the song"Courageous", by Casting Crowns:

  

     The  following prayer with which I end this post is inspired by the lyrics of this song: Lord, make us courageous. Oh God of might and power, I need courage to answer Your call, no matter the consequence, or whatever you ask me to give up for the sake of your gospel and kingdom. For the sake of Your name. For the sake of Your kingdom. For the sake of Your glory. In Christ's name.

I want to be Courageous.

Intercultural Marriage In A Diverse Culture: Kaleidescope or Collision?

"...for in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith. For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." 

- Galatians 3:26-28, ESV

    Yesterday, I attended the second of a two-week class on marriage at Willingdon Church. It was particularly interesting because of two primary reasons. First, in all my three years at Willingdon, I had never been to a marriage-related talk, so I wanted to see how they would approach it. Second, this was more than a general marriage talk; it focused on a unique situation that many couples pursuing a romantic and marriage relationship in our cultural environment and time find themselves, where each comes from a different cultural and sometimes ethnic background. The series was appropriately titled "Intercultural Marriage in a Diverse Culture: Kaleidescope or Collision?", and was delivered by Pastor Cliff Ursel who serves as one of the overseers of the adult ministries at Willingdon. I had questions of my own regarding this topic that I wanted answers for, and so went for both sessions.

    In all, it was a fascinating talk with tremendous insights that provided me with helpful tools to critically think through the challenge of such situations. I scribbled furiously during both sessions, trying to take down as much as I could on the worksheets provided. Regrettably, the idea of recording the sessions on video never occured to me until after the first session, but I made sure to do so for the second with my little Cisco Flip. This post is special in this regard, because it marks the first time that I am making use of the YouTube channel that I created some time ago, which will hopefully contain many more interesting videos in the coming months! Here then is the complete main talk of the second session, and as much as I could record of the Q&A period that followed it, before I ran out of memory on my video camera. Please note that although these videos can be played in High Definition at 720p!

     This is Pastor Cliff's main talk:

     And this is most of the Q&A session that followed:

     Like the Willingdon IRONMEN retreat that I went on two months ago, I will be updating this post in the next few days with the detailed notes that I took during the two sessions. I will post notifications on Facebook and Twitter when I do. If you aren't following or subscribing via e-mail and want to keep updated on this post, please check this space over this week! I'd love to hear your thoughts on the points put forward on this talk, so please feel free to leave them below this post, or on the YouTube channel here. See you soon!

- The Wisdom Seeker

Of Fathers: Past, Present and Future

Daddy and I at Port Credit, Mississauga, 2010

      As I write this, I think of my Dad, currently in the middle of some afternoon backyard gardening, as he tends to his little vegetable patch and Mummy looks after her flowers at their house in Toronto. Today is Father's Day, and though it may seem unrelated, much of what I write is tied to the thoughts of my post of two weeks ago, "The Struggle To Grow Up." I've been given much cause since then to start thinking more carefully about the significant and serious issues of life that I've reflected on previously - maturity; life; death; love; relationships; romance and marriage; faith; responsibility; manhood; adulthood. I don't think I've thought extensively about fatherhood, except in the poem that described my fathering by God - "My Father's Son." Today gave me occasion to think some more about the matter. Though neither earth-shattering or profoundly revelatory, I write this more for my own sake and reinforcement in my mind than anyone else, though I hope others will find something helpful too.

    I'm deeply proud of my father. And his father before him. It is true that they have made their share of mistakes. It is also true that I might have differences with some of their views or approaches to life. But it is also true that I love them nonetheless. I'm deeply grateful for the legacy and example that they have left me - of hard work that has educated and elevated a family out of impoverishment; of endurance through trial and hardship; of taking a stand for truth in difficult circumstances; of character over superficiality; of the sacrifice of the temporal in light of the eternal and most of all, the supreme value of knowing Christ, without which everything else totters on shaky ground.

    Being a father is not easy. I have understood that fact of serious admonition from the life of my own parent. I wish I could say that I have been a model son, but I cannot, because I have not. There is much that I have done over the years to make his life more difficult than it needed to be, and supplied him with more grief than he needed to have. Too often has Christ had occasion through His Spirit to admonish me with the words, "A wise son makes a glad father, but a foolish son is a sorrow to his mother" (Proverbs 10:1). And much to my own sorrow on those occasions have I been convicted, of knowing that I have been the "foolish son" in those verses. I have been indolent, disobedient, rude, arrogant, boastful, self-centred, selfish, un-reachable, un-teachable, un-willing, un-wise, un-emotional, un-exceptional, un-lovable. But he has loved me anyway. "Grandchildren are the crown of the aged, and the glory of children is their fathers", says Proverbs 17:6. As much as my father is my glory, I sometimes find myself wondering if I have been his in turn - and I know that on many occasions, I have not. I say this only with sorrow.

    Being a father is not easy, because it is more than about sperm donation. This simple truth was rammed home more than 10 years ago through one of the most abject stories I have ever read, in an interview given by Sarah Michelle Gellar, who starred in "Buffy The Vampire Slayer". Reluctant to discuss her father, her perspective of him was quite matter-of-fact:

    "I might have been an immaculate conception. You never know. My father, you can just say, is not in the picture. I'm not being deliberately evasive about him, it's just that there's so little to say. He is not a person who exists in my life. Just because you donate sperm does not make you a father. I don't have a father. I would never give him the credit to acknowledge him as my father." [1]

    It was as sad to read this then, as it is now. Some reflect with sorrow and regret because of the grief they have dealt their parents; others like her reflect on the grief that their parents have dealt them. I don't know which is more tragic, though ultimately it is God who has been violated through it all. It is equally sad to know that there are millions more, those who have begotten progeny and then checked out of their lives, as well as those who have been begotten and checked out of the lives of their parents. Being a father is not easy, because it is more than about contributing half of one's DNA; sperm, egg and DNA alone do not contain the lessons that will chart the course of the life that comes to being.

    Being a father is not easy, because it also implies that there is a wife and mother. A speaker an event on love, courtship and dating that I attended recently summed it up very neatly - one does not simply create children out of the blue, as if having slipped and fallen down the stairs. "Is there anyone among you who has a complete reproductive system?", he asked. The implication was clear - it takes a man and a woman together to have children. And men who will be married one day will have to acknowledge the fact that as much as their children have a father, they have a mother too. And as much as the culture would have us believe that it is wrong to have heavy expectations placed upon us that must be lived up to, the fact remains that a father has expectations placed upon him by a mother - to be there; to lead; to love; to care; to discipline; to provide; to die, if necessary, that their children might live. Being a father requires bearing the weight of responsibility - and that weight is heavy.

    Being a father is not easy, because it will mean facing the pain of sin - both his own and those of his children. Sinning against another and being sinned against hurts; but the hurt dealt by one's own flesh and blood carries a sting unlike any other. "This hurts me more than it will ever hurt you", said my Dad on the numerous occasions that he has had to discipline me while growing up - and those occasions were numerous indeed. So was the hurt that he felt on account of my sin. My Dad would tell me in later years that through fathering me, he learned much of God's own love for him. I only regret that it was done with much hurt and sorrow that he felt because of my various transgressions against God and himself.

    Being a father is not easy, because it means being God's man, not Man's man. In their book "Every Man's Battle - Winning The War On Sexual Temptation One Victory At A Time", Fred Stoeker and Steve Arterburn wrote the following few paragraphs introducing a section titled "Man's Man or God's Man?":

    "When it comes down to it, God's definition of real manhood is pretty simple: It means hearing His word and doing it. That's God's only definition of manhood - a doer of the Word. And God's definition of a sissy is someone who hears the Word of God and doesn't do it.
    Have you ever known a guy whose beard is so heavy he uses two blades to shave in the morning - one for each side of his face? By late afternoon, his four o'clock shadow is so thick he has to shave again. Four blades in one day! For those of us who are "smooth men," we hold this tough guy in awe.
    But God cares nothing about that. When God looks around, He's not looking for a man's man but for "God's man." His definition of a man - someone wheo hears His Word and acts upon it - is tough, but at least it's clear.
    Meanwhile, the results of failing to be a man according to God's definition are always tragic. The fact is, as Galatians 6:7-8 tells us, God is not mocked: You do reap what you sow, both to the good and to the bad."

    As I think of all this, I look at myself and those around me, who I hope will one day be married to wonderful women and have to become fathers ourselves. How will we do? Will we be any good? Will I be any good? I think of my roomate, Paulman, out in the living room. I believe God is doing much to prepare him to be both a good husband and father one day; there is much that I have learned from him during the time that we have been roommates. I will be very happy for him when that day comes.  

    I did not buy my Dad a card or present for Father's Day - a tie, a book, or an expensive car. I did not take him to dinner, though I look forward to the occasion when I will be able to. I did not get to spend some face-to-face time with him, save a phone call that I anticipate in a little while when he will be free. But I do give him something that means much to me - a promise. A promise to remember his lessons clearly; to contemplate our legacy carefully; and to follow our God faithfully. I believe it is the most surpassingly meaningful thing I can do as his son. Happy Father's Day, Daddy.

- The Wisdom Seeker

REFERENCES:

[1] Harvard Man : Interview With Sarah Michelle Gellar

Joining The Body @ Willingdon!

    This post is a week late! The pace of life has really ramped up since I finally found a job at the end of Jan after 6 months of hard job-hunting, so I haven't had time to post as frequently as I used to over the last two weeks. I'm still in the process of settling into the pace and cycle that my work requires of me, but I'm hoping that once I do, I'll get back into the routine of posting as I once did. I definitely want to!

    Last Sunday was really eventful, as one of the family (see the 'Family Matters' post) got baptized, and both she and I became official members of Willingdon Church. Alison and I had ended up in the same 'Discovering Church Family' class that Willingdon offers as a prerequisite to membership, after missing the chance to get into the same class with Tim and Angie. But after finishing the class that began in mid-November, the day that we'd been looking forward to finally came around. Alison delivered her testimony and joined the Willingdon Church family through Baptism, and since I'd already been baptized, joined through Confession of Faith.

Early at Willingdon before Alison's baptism!

   Alison and I showed up early before service to collect our Membership Certificates, flower pins for New Members, and an invitation to a lunch reception with Pastor John at the end of the month that I'm really looking forward to! After that, Alison got baptized during the 10 AM service. The video of Alison's testimony was really touching to watch on the big screen; although I'd proof read it once before when she typed it out during a family hangout, it was really different watching it being spoken. Here's a photo of Alison just before she got baptized:

Alison getting baptized!

     As I watched Alison take the plunge, my mind went back to my own baptism in a river, at the end of a summer vacation in India. God has taken me on such an incredible journey and done so much since then. I can't believe it's been 11 years since that day. I dug through my photo albums and found this photo of a photo that I took while visiting my parents in Toronto last July:

My baptism photo!

     The two people standing with me in the photo below are what God used to draw me to Willingdon almost 3 years ago. They happened to be my next-door neighbours when I first moved to Vancouver in Fall 2006, renting a room in the basement suite of a family living close to SFU. I first met Rick Pearson one afternoon walking home from school, as I passed him mowing his lawn near the sidewalk. While chatting, we discovered that we were both Christians; Rick was fascinated that being Indian, my last name was 'Thomas' - he'd never met an Indian christian of my background before. He was even more excited when I explained the origin of my name in the context of Christianity in Southern India, and my own family history. He introduced me to his wife Barb as she came out to talk to him, and they invited me over for dinner a few weeks later.

Rick and Barb Pearson!

    The more I got to know and interact with Rick and Barb, the more I was struck by what I saw in this couple. Though they loved and welcomed me with a kindness, graciousness and hospitality that was surprising, I was even more intrigued by the way they treated each other. In all the time that have known and watched them, I have never seen them address or behave towards each other in a way that was anything but loving, gentle, polite and respectful. Never a harsh or unkind word or tone out of their mouths towards each other. I'd never seen a married couple like this before, younger or older. I guess it's significant that over the last four years since first meeting them, they have become my "gold standard", the example that I'm inspired by for the kind of relationship and marriage that I hope to have one day, if God wishes that to happen. They also became my 'parents-away-from-home', taking me under their wing and taking the time to listen, advise, encourage, sympathize, pray and comfort as my own parents would. I love them both very, very much. Incidentally, I was so happy that Rick ended up being the person that baptized Alison :)

So intrigued was I by this couple that I decided I had to have a look at the church they went to, as my high school friend Brendan was going there too. I figured there had to be something in the kind of church that they went to that had this trickle effect into the way they loved and cherished each other, and those around them. I first went to Willingdon sometime in 2007, and started going there regularly by early 2008. Since then, it has become more than just church. It has become home and family, where God has built people into my life that have become very, very dear to me.

    I'm so thankful for all that God has been doing through Willingdon over the last four years in laying the groundwork, slowly but surely. Looking back, I see how He's been active even when it seemed as if nothing was happening. Life, work and ministry is getting very exciting, and I'm so looking forward to what He's going to do as things are beginning to come together for lift off!

- The Wisdom Seeker

Run Hard. Full Stop.

   This is my first post for the New Year! Happy New Year, everyone!

   I had a great New Year's Eve, as Angie, Tim, Jacky, Alana, Paulman and I attended Willingdon's New Year's Eve Service. It was a wonderful time of reverent prayer and worship, as we sang songs reflecting the guiding hand and strengthening presence of God - 'Everlasting God', 'Great is Thy Faithfulness', and many others. There was a time of testimony, as people shared about the marvelous ways in which God had touched their lives the last year, many describing how they had accepted Christ for the first time, returned to Him after years of wandering, seen God bring family members to salvation, healing from cancer, and much more. I was so moved listening to these stories, and I'm sure others were too. God spoke with powerful impact to many of us through the simple yet convicting message from Hebrews 12:1-2. 

   From there, it was off to Jamie's for a New Year's Eve potluck, and a wonderful time of food and fellowship, and a hospitality shown to all of us that reminded me so much of my mother's care of any guest that has crossed the threshold of our house. It inspired me to take care of people better when they come over.

   I found myself back home with Paulman, Tim, Angie, Jacky and Alana as the final hour of 2010 began to tick away. And as the last remaining minutes went by, our "family" remaining in Vancouver (with the rest away at Winter Conference in Calgary) came together to do something that I have desired for many years, but never had a close community to do it with. With a deep intimacy that has been born through the saving, redeeming, transforming and healing power of the Gospel of Jesus Christ in our lives, we gathered in silence my living room. Paulman prayed, pulled up the lyrics for some wonderful praise and worship music on our wall with the projector and playing his guitar, we sang and worshipped our Faithful God who has seen us through so much in the last year and ushered us together into a new one. It was such a powerful moment of connectedness as our Shepherd who has tended to His family of 9 little sheep was present in our midst, touching our hearts and minds with His presence. Here's a photo or two that I took:

Getting ready to worship as a family, as the final minutes tick away

Woshiping to the lyrics of 'Blessed Be Your Name' in our living room

   As I write this at 3 AM while watching Francis Chan's 'Crazy Love' on DVD, they are still in my living room - Angie sleeping on the couch, Tim sitting in my chair to chat, Paulman playing Starcraft. I look forward to seeing Alison, Tommy and Sam as they arrive back from Winter Conference. I love them all so much.

   The following hymn by Charles Wesley is my prayer for this year, as I run with all my might for my Christ, my Lord, my King, my All.

O Thou, who camest from above,
The pure celestial fire to impart
Kindle a flame of sacred love
On the mean altar of my heart!

There let it for Thy glory burn,
With inextinguishable blaze
And trembling to its source return,
In humble prayer, and fervent praise

Jesus, confirm my heart's desire,
To work and speak, and think for Thee
Still let me guard the holy fire,
And still stir up Thy gift in me

Ready for all Thy perfect will,
My acts of faith, and love repeat
Till death Thy endless mercy seal,
And make my sacrifice complete

     I'm going to run hard for the sake of The Name Above Every Other Name with every drop of life I have, even if it kills me. And if it does kill me, I will stand in His presence that much sooner, seeing the face and hearing the voice of the One whom my heart longs to behold. 

Run Hard. Full Stop.

- The Wisdom Seeker

Infliction: Childhood Wounds

I've been sitting on the fence after the thoughts of "Old Spice Can't Help You", and the posts prior to that, especially "Broken Love". In the midst of all my realization of the sinfulness and brokenness of my own heart, I find myself looking back at what I've written, and hesitating. Hesitating, because things have been converging to this for some time, and I didn't realize it. Hesitating, because it forces me to get personal and frank, and I really don't want to. Hesitating, because the rubber of my theology must meet the road of reality and I'm suddenly recalling a quote from my favourite movie:

"Remember what Bilbo used to say: "It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to."

- Frodo Baggins, The Lord of The Rings: The Fellowship of The Ring

I think I'll step out onto the road, and trust God to guide my thoughts for the next few posts.

In the cognizance of all that I've been running from, I've had to acknowledge the hurtful experiences of childhood and see their effects through new lenses. In some cases, I've needed to admit that they happened, that it mattered, and that neither could be conveniently swept under the rug.

A lot of the wounds I've had to process are from school. Being the youngest in my class, I was 'different' in many ways that I couldn't really explain. I guess I still am. For other reasons that I've never understood, the bullying began after I shifted classes in Grade 6 - first verbal and then the physical beating. This went on for years, all the way to my final year of high school.

Writing this now and feeling a familiar sharp pain coming on, I suddenly feel like shrugging it off, saying it wasn't a big deal, didn't matter and changing the subject. I mean, everyone gets beaten in school, right? So what? '"Stiff upper lip, be tough and take it like a man!", I feel like telling myself, just as I did as a child. But there was the problem in trying to "be tough" - I took it all silently and said nothing. Picked myself up quietly for years, after getting ganged up on, insulted, pushed around and beaten up, and went back to class after lunch recess, or home after school as if nothing had happened. I suppressed the pain of abandonment and rejection because I wanted to be "strong", and vowed never to cry. And so I did, proceeding to build walls around my heart and layering on the "emotional armor". Even though I accepted Christ as my Saviour in 9th grade, I didn't know how to deal with the underlying hurt and anguish. The wounds festered under the surface and during high school, led to another unconscious vow:

No one would ever be allowed to hurt me or lay a finger on me again.

Initially, that translated into picking fights with the same people who had started the bullying years ago in sixth grade. But after high school, things proceeded on a different front with silently shutting people out in different ways for the next 11 years, trying to keep people from getting emotionally close enough to figure out where to "aim the arrow". When they did hurt me, it became an immense battle to forget; a close friend of mine recently made the observation that my mind is simultaneously my greatest gift and my worst enemy. I had no problem admitting that he was absolutely right. The pattern of hurt, suppression, building emotional armor and shutting people out was one of the contributing factors culminating in the events described in my previous post, "Family Matters".

There was one glaring problem with all the emotional armor and walls that I was building:

No matter how thick the armor, how high the wall, or repeated vows to "be strong" and "never cry", the heart stubbornly rebels with all its might in the desire to be genuinely loved and keeps hammering back against the barriers, demanding to be let out.

During my time in school and for almost a decade after, that desire led my heart to some strange and curious people in search of rescue and freedom. I will keep that for the next post. Writing this one has taken the longest and been the most draining of any that I have ever written. I suppose that's what happens when the rubber meets the road in attempting to "walk the walk, not just talking the talk". It's tough to be honest and face the brokenness.

Till next time, then!

- The Wisdom Seeker

NOTE:

   This post was the first that led to a four-part series on childhood hurts, heroes, and realizations about both. The full series is listed below:

• Infliction: Childhood Wounds
• Adoration: Childhood Heroes
• Conviction: I'm Not Iron Man
• Salvation: The Guardian

Starlight Theatre's Dress Rehearsal

   I got home a little while ago from attending the dress rehearsal for Willingdon's annual christmas musical production, put on by its very own Starlight Theatre. This year's production (titled "The Christmas Party") is particularly special and important to me, because I volunteered to help with set construction and will be volunteering during the actual show times. It was the very first time I had volunteered with a major Willingdon event, and I've learned so much in the process. I'm looking forward to writing about my experiences in upcoming posts.

   I was surprised at the size crowd that filled the main sanctuary to capacity, as I sat in one of the back rows with my friend Tim. It was hosted as an outreach event for seniors, so families brought their elderly relatives and friends. While Tim and I were waiting for the show to start, I overheard a lady taking her seat in the row behind me, mentioning that she had brought 30 friends from her retirement home to watch the show. I was so impressed - this lady was still sharing her faith and making an impact for Christ in the retirement home in which she found herself.

   It was a terrific performance, made deeply satisfying knowing that I had been part of an amazing experience building the set, props, painting, lighting, and everything else that I had poured myself into. "The Christmas Party", from Willindon Church's Starlight Theatre, runs from December 16th - 20th. Information about the event can be found at: http://www.willingdon.org. Do try to come and watch!

   But more about that later. Here are some photos. I will be adding more throughout the week at my Flickr photostream.

December 14th: Completed Set, Before Rehearsal Time

Willingdon's Main Sanctuary, Taken From High Up On The Set

In Full Swing, With Pastor Ron Clark Conducting The Orchestra

This Was Such An Awesome Song!

        - The Wisdom Seeker

Broken Love

How We Love, by Milan & Kay Yerkovich

"Namaste, I am Sushmita Sen from India, where love is the essence of life!"

   Sushmita Sen, who won the Miss Universe title in 1994, introduced herself during the first round of the competition with those words. I remember this line from a magazine article that I read a few months later featuring both her and Aishwarya Rai, who won the Miss World competition the same year in South Africa.

   It was, the latter half of that statement that made an impression on me - "...from India, where love is the essence of life!". That phrase was dredged from the depths of my memory by the TIME Magazine article that I mentioned in my last post, "Marriage Gets Mangled". Given the current state of affairs outlined by the TIME/Pew report, it doesn't seem that love is the "essence of life" anywhere.

   And that's the point I want to start off with:

Love is broken. And I'm broken too.

   I came to this realisation in early summer, through the book "How We Love". One of the "family" had been reading it, and recognized first himself and then me in a chapter covering one of the five damaged love styles or imprints - Avoider, Pleaser, Vacillator, Controller and Victim. "That's totally Kevin!", he said, pointing it out to my room mate. They both had to push through my usual obstinacy in order to coax me to read it, but when I finally did, it was a bombshell. The chapter described me with unnerving accuracy - childhood experiences, molding, adult mindset, core nature, thought processes, reactions and much more. I had been searching for these answers for more than a decade, but never expected them to be laid out with such lucidity. That book got passed around our "family" circle; I believe the reaction was pretty much the same as we each recognized ourselves described in there.

   After my initial shock wore off, the after-effect was pain and consternation; I contemplated anew the depth of my brokenness and all that needed healing. With so many answers crystallizing at once, I saw myself as never before. "Mirror, Mirror on the wall..." conjured up a shattered and fragmented visage reflecting a deluge of memories of abandonment, neglect, bullying, insults, submerged anxiety, anger, and much more.

   The realisation, when it hit, was like an arrow:

I don't know how to love.

   The next shaft was aimed by the Bible and struck even deeper: "We love because He first loved us." (1 John 4:19, ESV)

   As conviction sunk in, I was transfixed by implications of the 'because' straddling that sentence.

   Because I didn't know how to really love, but God did. Because He loved me first with real love. Because His love warmed a cold, hard soul. Because His love showed me the genuine from the forgery. Because I love people with His love, not my own. Because I'm incapable of loving anyone without knowing the deep, deep love of Jesus first. Because without this, anything that we claim to be 'loving' is a farcical sham. Because bogus love destroys relationships and marriages, sinking the ships of hopes and dreams.

   I am convinced that TIME Magazine asked the wrong question: "But if marriage is no longer obligatory or even - in certain cases - helpful, then what is it for? It's impossible to address that question without first answering another: Who is marriage for?" I believe the right question to ask, sung by The Black Eyed Peas is:

   Where Is The Love?

   It seems that "love" in North America has now become the proverbial dead horse under the flogging of bogus marriage. More reflections in upcoming posts.

               

- The Wisdom Seeker

REFERENCES:

[1] Sushmita Sen

[2] Aishwarya Rai

[3] How We Love

[4] The Black Eyed Peas

Marriage Gets Mangled

TIME Magazine - November 29, 2009

   This is my significant post of today, and also this blog's 25th posting! Curious that it should be on this subject, though. 

   The above issue of TIME Magazine caught my eye while grocery shopping at Price Smart, so I had bought it on Monday and had a cursory look. Done in association with the Pew Research Center, it looks at the seismic shifts in American society's view of and attitude toward marriage, family and "evolving notions of what constitutes family in our society". Given the magnitude of osmotic influence that our southern neighbour exerts on Canadian economy and culture, I believe it is quite safe to assume that the shifts described will be seen in our society as well, if not already underway.

   Given what I've seen and read so far, it's quite an explosive article.

   The caption on the 'Contents' page reads "The marriage conundrum: We don't really need it for procreation or security, so why do we love it?". From there to the observations and statistics in the main article, the assertions and implications run the gamut from incisive and brilliant to ludicrous and asinine. It is equally noteworthy that my own emotions and reactions have been simultaneously and proportionally driven from shock and disillusionment to provocation and fury.

   So in addition to the posts that will be appearing this month, I intend to devote quite a bit of thinking and real estate in the coming weeks both to this article and the related issues that surround the whole sorry state of affairs. It got me thinking about a related blog post that I put up earlier last year, titled "To Hold Someone's Heart". I don't think I'll ever forget what I was feeling while writing that.

   This, on the other hand, is too much.

- The Wisdom Seeker

REFERENCES:

[1] Who Needs Marriage? A Changing Institution

[2] The Decline of Marriage And Rise of New Families

"Family" Matters

Our "Family Portrait", taken at Vancouver YVR airport

  Three months ago, something extraordinary happened within a small group of friends whom I have known for some time from C4C @ SFU and attend the same church with. Over the last year and more, I had gotten into the habit of going to the same church service, sitting together, having meals, watching movies, talking, fellowshipping and sharing everyday life. Noticing long-standing patterns of interaction within our group dynamic (which only amplified over time) we gathered one Sunday afternoon to talk and address them. Some matters were touchy and sensitive, others controversial. Quite a bit of it had to do with me.

  I still have trouble expressing what happened at that gathering. I don't think anyone anticipated what happened, least of all me.

  We voiced concerns, grudges, emotions, sensitive matters, memories and processed them together. I had a lot of stuff to disclose, confess and repent for; so did everyone else. We vented, argued, rebuked, cried, shared, forgave, laughed and prayed together. It was strange and in some ways awkward for me, as I'd never done something like that before.

  But in the process, we experienced a very tangible and powerful bonding. I remember some of us talking about it days later and reflecting how we'd never seen or been part of something like that before. In many ways, we felt very much like a family, and some of us said so.

  Above all, I believe we saw the restoring power and grace of God through His Gospel brought to bear upon a community of fallen people. In his latest book "Has Christianity Failed You?", Ravi Zacharias makes a powerful observation:

  "Human beings will always find ways to divide and create hierarchies. Such is the plight of the human heart...This is the first clue to transcending ethnicity. One may call to Jesus out of his ethnic and cultural distinctive, but one's ultimate transformation comes in that personal dimension of trust apart from any cultural elitism...The call of Jesus is an invitation to freedom and trust. I am free only inasmuch as I can trust my fellow human being. If I cannot trust those around me, I am not free...The vision of God for humanity is that we might see his claim on us as an invitation to live and love, transcending all ethnic and cultural boundaries, not because Jesus is David's son, but because He is the instrument of power over all other power, of essential worth over political ideology, of human need over ethnic arrogance. He has eradicated every barrier of race and culture and position in life."

  So why am I writing this now? I stand at a fork in the road of my life, a turning point with a critical decision to make. I look around at those closest to me and see them looking back. I am moved, even unnerved by the depth of affection that I see  in their eyes. Maybe I am forced to confront the possibility that I have assumed myself to be unlovable by anyone, and shut everyone out  for years with that one assumption. 

  More often than not, we fallen human beings don't appreciate what we have, or the people God offers and makes available to us. Sadly, history will testify that the only way we realize value and are forced to grow is by losing and reflecting on what could have been. As the popular saying goes, "you don't know what you have until it's gone". From Genesis to Revelation and our own personal lives, we all have enough and more of those moments to remember and reflect on.

  To my Family and "Family": thank you for loving me in spite of my vacillation, moods, stubbornness, silence, stupidity, sullenness, bickering, sharp tongue, sensitivity, insensitivity, ingratitude, unkindness, and moments when I've shut you all out. As I realized a couple of days ago, I have nothing good to say about myself and everything good to say about my God.

  I love you all very much.

- The Wisdom Seeker